Artist: Sari Komulainen / Micaela's GeneKeys / 70th birthday present
Seventy years of age, how did that happen? For the first time this feels different than other round numbers my mortal coil has reach in this life. It feels I am entering a time of distilling the essence of my core, what, my dear soul, are these later crone years about? By now I know, I am nothing without you. As you have been returning, embodying into your sacred temple, my personhood and body, with her likes and dislikes, her importance has diminished. I am a carrier of your splendour, important yes, but really only for the purpose of housing your radiant love & light.
You have been arriving, taking abode in me for a long time, consciously I’ve been aware of the process for some forty years. It all started, guided by my intuition around my 30th birthday. I suspect Saturn, the great celestial teacher had his way, insisted with the wake-up calls. Sphere by sphere, layer by layer you landed and transformed me from the inside out. Sometimes it has been gentle, sometimes brutal and painful, all depending on how much I have resisted and/or put up a fight. Tension and resistance are your favourite tools as nothing comes about without them, life would be boring without striving and finding the inner courage to step outside our comfort zones. A question therefore at this threshold could be: “What is the resistance now, at seventy?” I shall sit with that.
As long as I am alive, I can continue asking the question: “who am I”. Know thyself is the deepest longing for a human being. As a perspective or a point of view of the ONE, this question is forever dynamic, holistic and interconnected, inspiring consciousness as the capacity to know myself. We have free will, therefore the choice to explore is voluntary. The ONE explores itself through the myriads of perspectives of consciousnesses, and in that sea of ideas, ideals, thoughts, feelings and sensations mine are one. That is the premise for how you should read my blog.
In the beginning, when I had called upon you, because you do not come without an invitation, despite my call, I resisted. Typical Libra oscillation those early years, material worldly life vs. deepening spiritual life. Which would it be? This took a few decades at least. Your early dances with me were violent and painful sometimes, teaching me through tough love. I didn’t get, nor understand the intricacy, actually the genius design, of the holographic mirror effect, how my inner state of mind was reflected in my outer world of circumstances. How life offered ample occasions and opportunities to look at unconscious patterns or trauma arising from my shadow. I, like most of us, had to hit my head against the wall many times, repeating semi-automatically some unhealthy pattern, until it dawned on me, that I myself am the answer to any unresolved issue, unpleasant experience, perceived rejection and heart ache or any misfortune I experienced. Mid-life crisis, at the latest, is usually when this realization comes, if it’s to come. Many times, I said “that’s enough”, leave me alone. When this happened, I filled my time with irrelevant distractions, soon to notice my error and like a wet dog returning to his/her master from rushed escapades, by some strange invisible hand I returned to the inner call. Deep down a belief grew stronger, that only you, my wiser higher Self & Soul could free me from the confusion and the sense of lostness I experienced in the earlier part of my life. Thankfully you insisted, you never left my side, despite my confusion. Your will and fire were so much stronger than the small will of my personhood, even if I tried, your force could not be distinguished. With each decade the flame grew stronger. Eventually the only thing to do was to surrender. Finally, even that is more than twenty years ago now, I said: “okey, I’ll listen to you now, I’ll listen to you 110 %”; I committed. That’s when your downpouring begun in earnest and with it the burning of the layers in the field of causal old dross. I had come to a cross-road of no-return, a kind of live and change or die moment. Faith was tested many times, as real alchemy is impersonal and does not really care about the alchemist her/himself, spirit just pours through its higher frequency with little regard for the pain it causes in the bodies.
In the beginning of this stage, I sought knowledge. I wanted to understand the Universe and my place in it. What was my true, divine nature? What is the ultimate truth of this Universe I’ve landed in? Why am I here, why did I come? Who am I? Gosh, I had so many questions. Even though the early years seemed chaotic in many ways, in hindsight I see a strange red thread weaving the tapestry, the hidden terma, treasures of continuous revelation in just the right pace I could absorb, deepening my understanding of soul-mystery. Slowly I was shown, or received hints, where The Great Work had been left off in some past life, what needed to be remembered and what integration and further revelation the soul intended to offer in this life time. I am in no illusion of having finished the job, only preparing for the next incarnation.
We are all unique and may have high sense perceptions already inherent and developed from previous life-times. I have a very heightened psycho-kinaesthetic sensitivity throughout my bodies’ plural – physical, etheric, emotional, mental and spiritual. When the soul, at my request, started its downpouring, the burning sensation in my bodies were brutal. The most intense burning took altogether some fifteen years and still comes under the pressure of Solar activity and high velocity gamma rays. Each layer – this life, past lives, ancestral fields, entangled groups of national conditions, humanity as a whole etc. they all have their layers of dross, they all represent some pattern, which the soul has come to change, release and uplift. No wonder it is often called “the pealing of the onion” in ordinary parlance, coming to the core of our being takes some pealing.
I didn’t become a scholar or teacher in the perennial wisdom teachings this time – that had happened in a previous life time. Nevertheless, I studied the ageless wisdoms obsessively for years and years, there were things I had to remember. Slowly I learned, that this was a life of soul-infusion, of embodiment, of shadow work and alchemy, transmutation and transformation. I am in a female body, so understanding the sacred feminine and how the process differs in this structure became paramount.
I have come to believe that souls in women structures, are the balancers and custodians of the elements of earth and water, whereas souls in male structures were meant to be the custodian and balancer of fire and air. What I mean is, that we know too little as of yet about the deeper significance of gender and the custodianship role we are supposed to carry for the Earth and her kingdoms. We’ve had matriarchy and patriarchy, but no balanced expression yet. Both have to do their own specific service via the heart and the heart does not even start to open until a good portion of the individual alchemical purification work has been done. Both genders need an open heart, own inner feminine and masculine balance in order for the specific alchemical work to be successful. Service work, which is planetary in scope and therefore of benefit to the whole. This is a hypothesis of mine, so take it as such. Unfortunately, I am not very hopeful that such understanding would come any time soon, it hasn’t landed in esoteric or spiritual communities, they too have, to a large extent, been captured by the left brain and the patriarchal system.
Equal rights and opportunities do not mean sameness, too many women still have to adopt the strategy of strengthening their masculine side, suppressing their feminine side in order to “make it” in this world. If there are any archetypes missing in our current western culture, they would be the Nurturing Mother and the Wise Woman. Mothers have become workforce and older wise women are marginalized into oblivion. We’ve become anti-life.
Especially the western world is currently gender confused, childbirth is dropping rapidly and we are still very far from soul informed deeper balance or understanding of our custodianship role as Gaians. We continue raping and pillaging the planet, even in the latest left-brain example named the Green Deal. We are so clever and good at using our intellectual shrewdness to turn anything and everything into a profitmaking machine, more grabbing, more destroying of Mother Earth. We are moving from pumping oil to digging minerals – how is this in any way sustainable. And looking outside western culture, many still await the emancipation and freedom of women to pursue their own individuation enabling growth. Evolution is slow, that is the harsh fact of the matter.
In this life, I could not just read and study about God, Source and/or divinity; I actually had to do the work and allow the transformation. The knowledge and the wisdom seldom interest me, if it did not translate into a lived experience in my body-mind-soul-spirit temple. I became a plumber of sorts, plumbing the unconscious for blocked energies.
A lot of layers needed to be opened up in order to hear, in-between the mental chatter, the soul’s truer messages, those that echoed in my body, those that showed me where I still held on, where energy got stuck and free flow was somehow hampered. Eventually the questions became clearer, who is behind my thoughts, who is the observer and what is that consciousness trying to show me. My thoughts were only stepping stones to a deeper presence, a deeper contemplation. In good and clear moments, I enter an “ocean of LOVE”, a perfect balanced poise of BEING with no thoughts whatsoever. One with everything, as if a radiating blessing sitting here on Earth. Throughout the years, entering this state of bliss has become easier, although it never comes on demand, only by surrender. And to be clear it is not only a transcendental experience, but very much present here with the mineral, plant and animal kingdoms. Here’s another hypothesis: when men find enlightenment, they often describe it as emptiness but when women find the same, for them it is an experience of fullness. We have had thousands of years of spiritual bypassing, just opening up our upper temples, transcending, reaching up to the heavens and therefore turning our backs on the equally divine life-forms here on Earth, no wonder matter and mother have been forgotten and only seen as resources.
The vastness of the human electromagnetic field humbles me. An energy of awe and reverence enters, but also layers of vulnerability are activated in the face of this huge vista of plasma light. It is like being surrounded and penetrated by the great Cosmic Mother, both inside and out. Tears rise up easily. “I love you” I tell the light and it responds with hues of violet, lavender, blue and magenta, really all colours of the rainbow, golden sometimes, filling my being with corresponding love energy, expanding me further. It loves me right back. If we just understood the holographic nature of our being, we receive what we put out, it is a reciprocal relationship, like a mirror. It is a paradox to simultaneously feel the inner vastness grow and the significance of personhood decrease into a no-body. A chamber of grace really, totally safe, totally loved in a benevolent Universe. Maybe that is why we are told in the Bible, that the meek shall inherit the Earth. You know with every fibre of your being that it is not about you!
It took years, decades to step into soul, become and identify as the soul, allowing it to take hold and lead the show, even play. I had to make space, let go of distractions, dedicate myself and watch personhood find its rightful place. Tune into the Tree of Life which I am, both Divine, Human and Gaian, all saturated with the sacred. Yes, I am also Gaian and so are you! Eden or paradise is nowhere else, it is right here and it is only here, in incarnated life, where the transformation and the transfiguration can be done. In his book Power vs Force, psychiatrist David R. Hawking proposes that we only need a few Christ-like or Buddha-like beings to counterbalance the frequencies of hundreds of thousands of humans. I’m doing my part, maybe counterbalancing a few thugs, knowing full well that we all belong to the one being, Anima Mundi, the soul of humanity.
My inner child is nowadays at ease, the pain is gone. She tells my soul: “you saw me, thank you”! Like me she is resting now, lower belly, waters and womb calm. The energy flows up and down, in and out without impediments in a dance weaving new imprint. Even though I age, it feels paradoxically as if I have become younger inside. The natural inner flow has brought about even greater sensitivity, a sense of beauty towards all relations in my surroundings, be they human, animal, plant or mineral – all vibrate within an energetic field of life more abundant. Beauty can be found everywhere, if beauty and balance resides within. A co-creative space in constant flow and movement.
The connection becomes stronger when I use my soft singing voice. Soul is as subtle as an intricate snow-flake, weaving her is a delicate matter. Just sounding vowels or doing overtone singing, the energy dances in the garden of life, with the elements, calling forth a purifying wind, sometimes a spark of fire, for more high frequency light to enters. The light knows no boundaries, it penetrates brick and stone likewise, it spins through me down into living Gaia, weaves like mushroom mycelia vast connections in the mineral kingdom, sings and flows with the waters of seas, lakes and river and grounds new energy, connecting with and between all kingdoms.
Gaia rises to meet me. She is my vast watery counterpart, source of joy and creativity, Paradise unknown. Through the years I’ve realised it is her I have come to serve, her divination and ascension. I am her daughter past-present and future. I now know my place, a light and anchor in her body. Water of Life has always been, and will always be the way new Life enters this Planet. She is sacred and the water holds the memory. She is currently in her own birthing process, together with the rest of the Solar System, shedding the old and birthing the new. We can join her, even assist her, or we can resist her. If we do the latter, her chaos may be destructive, but hopefully enough of humanity awakens to her sacred nature and act in responsible ways as the custodians of all LIFE.
The soul’s essence is LOVE. It has a fragrance of rose. I, the personhood, just need to move out of the way and she will come with her blessing. When presence is present this love flows unimpeded uplifting life around.
I didn’t get here without sorrow and pain, I had to look at the contrast of the shadow, heal, uplift and transmute. It too wants to be seen, but hides, sometimes deeply in the unconscious. It is after all at the bottom of the compost heap, where the pearl of great adoration can be found. Our shadow, if we choose to see it in a new way, is there to bring awakening and revelation. It serves us, two sides of the same coin – light & dark. We all have them in equal measure and we all have to befriend and integrate our shadow. Here I have noticed another difference between men and women. Men seem to want to fight and defeat the dragon, a warrior hero approach, whereas women tend to melt, greet, befriend and integrate the dragon. Maybe it is our life-giving watery womb that instinctively knows the dragon is her child as well, and who would want to kill their child?
The more I expanded the more subtle the shadow becomes. It showed its entanglements of ancestral patterns in fields of connection going back many, many generations, the soul IS a group being, knows no separation and all is absolutely interconnected.
Above picture: all the wombs and mothers in my paternal line going back to 13th century Novgorod, current Russia. In aristocracy the maternal line has been shunned and suppressed. My attempt to make these women visible and thank them as part of ancestral healing work.
The shadow has a kind of protective aspect, until we are ready to fully see and feel it. Our defences, after all, were lifesaving at some point and they deserve our respect. The contrast polishes our edges and teaches us humbleness. It is a natural part of life; therefore no one can judge, as each of us are so utterly individual, with inner entanglements we cannot see in the other, it is hard enough to see our own. So much is hidden, so many stories untold, so many layers of unforgiving and hardening.
Meet me there, writes Rumi, in the field of forgiveness. Don’t go back to sleep.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.”
Soul- infusion invites forgiveness, there is no avoiding it. She is LOVE and when she enters there is only the way of reconciliation. When the dross is burnt away, nothing else, but LOVE remains.
The hardest may be to forgive ourselves, our choices or non-choices, our body, emotions and thoughts, our organs, cells, molecules, atoms, blood stream, absolutely everything about ourselves. Forgive until all blocks release and flow back into our infinite heart, total acceptance is required. Only LOVE within can flow out as a blessing. The process of melting and surrendering has been a companion for decades, yet still I can catch myself criticizing myself for something.
Everything is relational, we constantly weave relations and grow when relations spark either as a trigger or as a love-spark. We are mirrors and need other mirrors to show us who we are. Our shadow especially loves close relations, as they give it an opportunity to be seen. I get to observe and reflect upon my own drama. The soul rejoices when this game of life is revealed and allows her wisdom to flow. When something truly gets resolved in all frequences and dimensions it does not need to show itself anymore, it is done and vanishes for good. Initially we understand these relations as only those we have within the human kingdom, but as our field expands it will include all kingdoms of nature as well as soul tribes, inner Ashrams and the Anima Mundi, the Soul of the World. Soul thrives in all of them and we are not separate, although most of humanity still seems to think so.
The souls greatest yearning is to inhabit all corners of my inner Universe and the more I surrender the more my personhood knows it knows nothing without soul and spirit. Be irresistible my soul, intoxicate me is my prayer.
This text originated from the data-collection, intuitive process with friends Harriet Fagerholm and Kaisa Peltola. We spent an afternoon facilitated by Harriet with her writing/data collection process. In an intuitive manner we explored areas of: body, thoughts, feelings, needs, inner child, painting/drawing, movement, sound, nature/Gaia, physical environment, love, shadow, sorrow, forgiveness/reconciliation, relations, hearts yearning, dream, will and actions.
