The shadow of Control - a reflection

Since some time I am reading, studying and contemplating with the GeneKeys, a transmission given out by Richard Rudd in 2011, second edition of the book came in 2013. Here’s a link if you’d like to check it out for yourself. http://www.genekeys.com/

What has fascinated me about these transmissions is the way they guide us towards our own unique genius.  They are based on astrology and the ancient Chinese 64 hexagrams of I Ching, providing a holo-genetic map, a kind of codebook of consciousness in our DNA as it lives and potentially unlocks blocks and awakens us to more of who we truly are in our current incarnation. The 64-matrix is integral to physics, biology, music, geometry, architecture, computer programming and many fields of human research – discovered at the core of all natural systems, also a human being. Human DNA is based on this same 64-fold geometry, making us a holographic microcosm of the entire cosmos.

Through the GeneKeys website you can download your own profile (free of charge) based on your birth information and this is divided into three sequences: 1) the Activation Sequence (your prime gifts), 2) the Venus Sequence (your relationships) and 3) the Pearl Sequence (your prosperity through service). There are many ways by which you can explore these GeneKeys, have a look at the website.

My Activation Sequence includes the 21^st GeneKey, the shadow of which is Control. When worked through and released from the unconscious shadow lands Control leads to the gift Authority and its divine gift, or siddhi of Valour. Today I sat in contemplation with this GeneKey, especially its shadow aspect of Control. As I have been exploring the keys, I usually start by reading the text in Richard’s book, contemplate it, meditate upon it. Then I have used Esoteric Healing techniques (http://www.ineh.org/en/Home), my high sense perceptions of inner clairvoyance and clairsentience to uncover where potential blocks, discordant or frozen energies in my multilayered causal structure might be sitting. Here’s what I contemplated and found today:

Richard shares in his book how a lot of human conflicts are about control of territory, ultimately in our own being this territory is our aura and our aura carries imprints from our many lifetimes. We can also see this shadow in our relationships to our family - another territory - or our community or nation.  Humanity is still operating very much from this shadow frequency at deep genetic and unconscious levels, from fear of losing control of territory. Today in the western world especially the battleground is money and power, if you have money it appears that you have power. Yet true power has nothing to do with money. This shadow operates powerfully in our time through capitalism which seems to have the world at its mercy. Control is based on tightness and fear, creating the notion of hierarchy as there are those who control and those who are controlled. A creation of our thousands of years of patriarchy, yet the people with the 21st GeneKey are not ultimately interested purely in money or power when the key unfolds to its gift and siddhic levels. They are interested in serving community and see leadership very much as service. Instead of one-sided matriarchy or patriarchy these people strive for synarchy, a model in which people are equal. Some people may still have authority, but this is based on a higher frequency and does not come from fear or territorial thinking.

The ultimate root of territorial division across the planet is distrust in life, a real human disease which we carry in our ancestral patterns and our causal fields. Just look at the never-ending perpetuating conflict in the middle-east inherent in the DNA and epigenetic markers of both peoples of Israel and Palestine, like a bleeding wound of humanity itself, inherited down generation after generation. When will it ever end?

The shadow of control expresses itself either through its repressive submissive nature or through its reactive and controlling nature. I uncovered that mine clearly belonged to the repressive, submissive stream, which speaks about denial of personal power, hiding sometimes from true responsibility and deferring control to life itself, just going with the flow therefore not always assuming responsibility for the direction in which life takes me. There is a fine line between surrendering to what life brings us and influencing the path of one’s own destiny. Luckily as I explored the gift and the siddhi levels of this specific GeneKey I could also recognized much of who I am – but back to the Shadow and the lurking energies which are holding me back.

This specific shadow key of Control is related to the 48^th shadow of Inadequacy, also in my profile. Inadequacy leads to the gift of Resourcefulness and in its siddhi it expresses as Wisdom. These both belonging to what Richard calls the “Ring of Humanity” – energy streams connected to our collective shadow and the patterns we as souls take upon ourselves to work with through our soul’s choice of our family’s ancestral lines, communities and countries we incarnate through.  Both of these shadow frequencies (control and inadequacy) are distortions or lack of atonement and embodiment of the divine feminine. For the divine to flower through our heart in a well balanced wholeness the masculine eventually has to yield to the feminine and in this yielding it is actually empowered. The outer form is masculine and the aura, the interpenetrating energy field that animates all life is feminine. Pure spirit beyond the causal body of the soul is again masculine in its purifying fire. When our spiritual path and meditation practice has brought us in regular aligned contact with the fires of spirit, causal purification of the whole soul-field starts and we are then dealing with energies of our many, many life-times.

As I had contemplated on Inadequacy already I knew it connected me deeply we prenatal, infant and very early childhood traumas which I have worked on quite a bit throughout my awakening process. Relevant here is that due to both of these shadows, my spiritual inquiry has been much about incarnating fully into my whole being, arriving finally and fully here on Earth and trusting life, trusting the uniqueness of my aura and the inner radiating beauty of my soul, embodying it here on Earth. Somewhere along the line, a good part of my life, I have not felt safe to do so. Due to the early childhood traumas, I didn’t really want to be here and it was always much easier for me to connect to the transpersonal levels of consciousness than those operating here in this third dimensional reality. Eventually I have arrived more fully into my body and therefore more fully also into the divine feminine. Because life was a frightful place for a very long time I needed to both control and submissively allow to be controlled and relegated this low frequency into my unconscious shadow. Here I had a chance to look at it again.

As I entered my healing session using Esoteric soul based healing techniques (http://www.ineh.org/en/Home) I scanned my inner bodies and found the discordant energies related to Control eventually in my spleen and my solar plexus. The spleen is a superimposed double lotus, of six plus six energy streams, a total of twelve energy streams coming together in a powerful vortex. With my inner vision I saw how the lower six petals (closer to the physical body) are connected to the base, sacral and solar plexus centres and the six higher petals of the lotus to the heart, throat and crown centres (the ajna centre is a synthesising centre), eventually when all combinations are healed the energy streams of the spleen find their way both to the core of mother Earth and the core of our soul-lotus opening us up fully to spirit.  Each petal is divided in its yin and yang energy stream, feminine and masculine flow and something was frozen in the yin flow of my solar plexus spleen energy.

What did this tell me? First of all solar plexus is our lower mental level, therefore to do with unhealthy thought forms, beliefs and attitudes I may have just absorbed as a child and/or inherited through the maternal line or adopted as a young adult and repressed into my unconscious field. Secondly it pointed to the repressive expression of this GeneKey of Control, related to the feminine nature, the left side of the body and right side of the brain. As I tuned into this frozen energy what started flowing through my mind were old fears alerting of the danger of showing myself as I truly am in my essence, voices of warning, voices that eventually would have diminish my spiritual power and subdued them under the bushel. “If you show who you truly are you will be hanged or go under the guillotine”, “If you step into your power you will be excluded, rejected and abandoned from the tribe”, “Better stay a no-body and blend in”, “Who do you think you are, how dare you”. “Don’t stick your head up” etc and etc ....the voices of belittling, lessening and reducing my authentic self were all there.

Some of this stems from my childhood, some from the female line of ancestors and some from the collective field of the repressed feminine. Causal purification often has both personal and collective portions, all dependent on the evolutionary phase of your soul journey. Bringing consciousness and awareness into the mix is part of its healing. Trusting life and my unique expression of it is my birthright and my gift. The contemplation and the healing released some of the block, maybe all of it and more of me arrived here embodied in fullness. I took back some of my power and the balance between my feminine and masculine sides were restored and the DNA released the need to control and/or be controlled trusting life.

A long walk in the woods afterwards gave me some confirmation as I could feel new energy streaming into my being, some pain releasing from my spleen area and as I stopped to rest leaning against a beautiful Scottish pine my eyes were filled with tears of joy and light poured out of them to bless the surroundings I found myself in. Now in the evening I can still feel my nervous system recalibrating itself to a new level of coherence.

Spleen Center /Third bandwidth

Spleen centre / Third bandwidth

This center is not one of the seven major centers, but very important nevertheless. It is closely connected to the physical spleen and located to the left of the navel on the side in the etheric body. The etheric spleen center is not controlled by the etheric spinal columns as are the other major centers. It is a six petal double center, one superimposed on the other, making it a twelve petal lotus. It is a massive energy structure, more powerful than some of the major centers.  It is in this center that the receptive life of matter and the living energy of the etheric body come together, connecting the physical plane with the inner living bodies of a human being through the medium of the etheric body. 

In the physical body we have the fires of our lower nature centralised at the base of the spine. This central point of heat radiates in all directions, using the spinal column as its main artery yet having a special association with the spleen. 

The etheric body, an exact replica of the physical body is our vehicle of prana. It stores up the rays of the sun and transmits them, via the spleen to all parts of the physical body. 

The physical spleen is essentially a blood cleanser and is intimately involved in the production of macrophages for immune response (working with the thymus gland). It removes old blood cells from the blood stream and breaks them down. It also stores blood in its spongy tissue. The Chinese see the spleen as the primary link whereby food is transformed into prana or chi and blood. It is considered as a primary organ of digestion, which conforms more to the esoteric view of the spleen as the organ of vitality. It is also said to rule transformation and transportation. It is also referred to as the foundation of postnatal existence and refers to the fact that while the foetus is developing, it is the mother's spleen which supplies vitality to the developing foetus. 

The spleen governs the blood and keeps it flowing in its proper paths. If the spleen is not functioning in harmony all types of blood disorders develop. The spleen also rules muscles, flesh and lower limbs. It governs blood flow to these and therefore their vitality. 

There is a triangle in the upper part of the etheric body especially absorbing the pranic emanations from the Sun. It is formed by 1) a point between the shoulderblades 2) a point above the diaphragm and 3) the spleen. With this triangle in good functioning there will be improved physical vitality, health and adaptability. Out of these three points it is the spleen that assimilates the inflow. The vital essence of the Sun is passed into the etheric spleen, and is there subjected to a process of intensification or devitalisation, according to the condition, health of that organ. If the person is healthy the emanation received will be augmented by his own individual vibration before it is passed on into the physical spleen and from there to our blood stream.

It is the center most involved when there is too much or too little energy, when the person feels depleted or highly strung. The spleen also assimilates planetary prana or chi, the spleen governs the working of the body, the amount of life-force available in the body. This centre is connected to many electrical circuits within the body.

Esoterically the spleen is directly connected with the infusion of soul energy as it is part of the bridge connecting personality consciousness with the soul, bridging prana and life-force with soul’s energy and your spark of divinity. It is also connected to the pituitary gland in the head, which in turn has an influence on the opening of the third eye. 


The role of the spleen as a bridge is often forgotten. It connects both with the base of the spine as well as with the top of the head being an important link between the Divine Mother and the Divine Father. In the soul lotus the energy stream from the spleen eventually, after many incarnations and much work & purification, enters the central jewel of the lotus being part of the process of connecting matter and spirit - collapsing them into one expansive radiant illumination. The spleen is one of the intermediaries, together with the heart center between the lower and the higher centers.

Our current, especially western busy life-style may cause inability to tap enough into pranic currents of the Sun and we get cut off from this life-saving supply with our centers shrinking and becoming congested. The constant exposure to electromagnetic smog from our mobile phones, I-pads, I-phones, computers etc. may also cause disturbances in the etheric body's capacity to channel the needed planetary and solar pranic energies. Over-eating, over-drinking and tiredness from overwork injure the spleen.

Emotionally a healthy spleen gives appreciation and humour, zest of living when the spleen is energised. When the spleen is weak people may want to escape and have a harder time facing up to responsibility, there may be denial, avoidance and self protection. If we carry a mask, it is heavy for the spleen, as we are not able to show our true emotions.

To keep the spleen center healthy we need to absorb pranic energy through the Sun, get a lot of fresh air from forests or coastlines, eat a healthy balanced diet, have aspiration which inspires the emotional body and keep mentally alert and vibrant. When the spleen is depleted we experience devitalisation, a feeling of congestion, depression, physical heaviness, sluggishness, inertia, fuzzy thoughts and tiredness with sleeplessness. Naturally, doing our inner work, shining our light into the darker spaces within, bringing our soul essence down into matter are all essential for the good health of the etheric spleen and consequently the physical spleen.

As we manage to resolve some of our karma by bringing our beautiful soul fully into our lower bandwidths, i.e. heal the dissonant frequencies and vibrations held by the soul and stored within the causal body, the spleen automatically expands and makes more energy available. One must fully incarnate, be fully conscious on all levels wherein bodies have been formed and occupied. If a person seeks to leave the physical consciousness either through day dreaming, disassociation or going numb because of unresolved trauma, sleep or death, the spleen is most definitely affected and plays a role in the process. Vitality and activity is lessened if the Higher Self/Soul is not present in the body. Therefore, if we wish to be vital, feel truly alive, if we seek good humour and high spirits, lets attend to fully incarnating our higher selves, soul-infusion, and open our spleens to the boundless energy and life which is there for us. In a shaman words: in the process of healing, we set free the discordant energies bound in our life-times of stories, in our wounds and transform these energies into power and compassion within us, thus reclaiming our own soul.

In my own journey of soul-infusion paying attention to the etheric spleen, the spleen meridian and subsequently the spleen itself has been and continues to be apparent and very important. As mentioned before the etheric spleen is a double center, one superimposed on the other, each with 6 petals and is in its totality comprising a huge center with 12 petals. In a vision I once had, I saw how the lower 6 petals are connected to the Earthly side of our nature and the 6 higher ones to our Divine nature, and how these upper petals only open fully as some of the healing of the lower bandwidths have been somewhat resolved. I do my own meditation and healing work, using Esoteric Healing on myself as well as collaborate with a talented vibrational healer Kate; and nine times out of ten the centers of the spleen are receiving some attention. Incarnating fully and embodying my soul essence here in the sphere of life on Earth has been quite a challenge; it is like putting a vast genie back into a slightly too small a bottle. With each 'success' the energetic bottle or Holy Grail for the genie to flow into and express itself has expanded.   

To support the souls journey of infusion we have to be properly grounded. Everyone working with any kind of spiritual healing has heard this millions of times, the chalice has to be able to carry the fire of spirit to ground and embody the energies in matter. This groundedness expands with each step on the way, as we incarnate more fully into the wholeness of who you are. As consciousness equals energy our capacity to ground is relative to our capacity to embody our divinity in all of our centers and our aura. 

Many people understand this grounding principle in a narrowish manner, thinking that it is to do purely with our physicality, our connection with outer nature. It is naturally that, but much more. To the extent you still carry imbalances in your first, second and third center, in your lower bandwidths your energy cannot ground itself fully on Earth. See further my blog posts about the base, sacral, solar plexus and heart centers. Everything is interconnected. 

"All disease is an inhibition of soul life" / Esoteric Healing / Alice a Bailey

Sources: Alan Hopkins / Esoteric Healing 
               Alice A. Bailey / Treatise of Cosmic Fire
               Malvin N. Artley Jr. / Bodies of Fire 



Inspired by my own journey, study in esoteric philosophy, the ancient wisdom tradition, especially esoteric soul based healing and notes from a workshop with Jeddah Mali.

The generosity of Infinity

One of my favourite modern day mystics James Finley shares this exquisite perspective: “The generosity of Infinity is infinite. Therefore I am/you are the generosity of Infinity. Awaken to that! Infinite Love infinitely gives itself to me so that I might give myself to the Love that gives itself to me. In the reciprocity of Love, my destiny is fulfilled.”

When I take this beautiful thought into my contemplative meditations, there is a deep resonance in the cells and atoms of my body for whom I am like an Infinity – all the myriads of small lives within me. Equally a realization of how I must be like a little light-emitting life in the greater body of Humanity, the Earth and Solar Logos’ life. The perspective rings true on a very deep level and I am aspired to expand my field more so that I might give more of myself. What am I giving? All my petty concerns, worries, fears, anxieties, doubts, emotional upsets and entangled thoughts – they just melt into this field of infinite benevolence.  Surrendering I give myself a bit more to the LOVE that gives itself to me so generously. In the process my body (the vehicle of spirit), a hollow chalice heals and expands, brimming with the substance of love. Flow through me, flow through me as a blessing I pray.

Expanding further through the prism of my heart, through the Sun I enter into the sphere of the next kingdom of Divine Lives and like the “Mother of the World” in Nicolas Roerich’s painting I just sit in a pregnant stillness shining my light, spirit entering matter in an even flow of Divine LOVE – sitting in the midst of the suffering world. In the sitting; the suffering paradoxically becomes ecstatic in the blissful flow of divine love – how can that be? The energy of my love-wisdom soul (second Ray-blue) is flowing through the chalice (body) governed by ceremonial ritual and order (seventh Ray – violet). Following 12 years of intense spiritual work and healing this ceremonial divine order through my energy body, i.e. major, minor chakras and the nadi structure of the etheric body have been purified enough to enable this flow. The chalice over-flows as I sit on this heavenly cross always held by the Divine Mother, the embrace of the Feminine, heart bursting wide open.

The mystical path of merging with the ONE life, an elevation of the emotional body to its higher correspondence, the buddhic body, where desire turns into deep aspiration and a yearning to merge in direct experience with the One – in humbleness there is a great surrender. Yet every emotional aspiration holds a mental seed, an uplifting idea or ideal of love, wisdom, unifying inclusiveness for the One Humanity, for I am you and you are me. All is given in service to the One Life – a service to the one Beloved Humanity, the passion of transformation becomes our transmutation. The energies of the ever emerging world are stepped down into matter bringing healing to the toxic environment of life on Earth.

I walk in the primordial sea of my Infinity (Pisces)

Feet firmly on the ground of my being (Sagittarius)

Spirit dancing in the waters of life (Aquarius)

I kneel to the Divine Mother and all her glorious creations (Capricorn)

The compost of my grail has cooked and churned (Scorpio)

Refined into divine sparkles of purified substance (Virgo)

Embracing Gaia; her lives receives it with delight (Cancer)

From her womb a mighty fire rises (Virgo)

The dark and the light find balance (Libra)

Feathers of lightness and translucent light (Sagittarius)

The primordial sea is deep and calm, blessing the worlds (Scorpio, Cancer and Pisces)

A brilliant light shines forth in the darkness (Leo)

Expanded I stretch the arms of my chalice (Gemini)

The Divine Father flowing milk and honey (Cancer)

I seek the ancient streams beautifying (Taurus)

And at thy sacred feet I bow (Aries)

"Mother of the World" - Nicolas Roerich

“All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well”

Julian of Norwich – “Mother Julian”

Reflections: Cosmic lightning bolt

Ten years ago a cosmic lightning bolt struck through my energy system. It was 5^th of April, 2005 and I was participating in a week long shamanic workshop in Scotland exploring my zodiac through shamanic journeying. On the last day the group did a procession to a power point where allegedly the energies of Venus connect with the core of the Earth. Already at the beginning of the procession I started feeling very weird, my energy body was expanding rapidly on its own accord and I could not make sense of what was happening. Simultaneously the feeling and the sensation was that my physical body was shrinking and getting weaker and weaker as the increased high voltage energy took hold of me. I had great difficulties following the procession getting up along the spiraling path to the top. Somewhere in my being I knew something substantial was going on and I tried to surrender, but some fear crept in as my ego fought and tried to understand the impossible. Finally at the top of the power point I collapsed and fell on my knees with my head to the ground just sobbing out of exhaustion and the shire power of the expansion, in great bewilderment and with excruciating pain all over my physical body. My energy field continued to expand further and I lost my outer sight, my consciousness partially leaving the body and within seconds or what seemed instantaneous I was transported into a blazing white light penetrating all layers of my being, also the physical body, all the way down to the bones. I was literally electrified with an enormous power as if struck by lightning.

The pain was unbearable, yet there was a sense of layered presence and somewhere a feeling of surrender and clarity, some part of me was saying it’s all right, just go with it. A strange telepathic transmission took place, scattering my world view forever through this all-encompassing experience. One of the things the blazing light was saying “this is who you are”, this is “who everybody is if only they knew”. I was muttering “you must have the wrong person, I’m not ready for this” but the light disagreed.

I literally thought I was dying, but after a while – I was told later by those around me that it was about 20 minutes – I started to feel the earth underneath my body again, my consciousness slowly returning. I was so weak I had to be helped down the path; my body had lost all its strength. My friends helped me inside the building, laid me on the floor and tucked me under a blanket, my body was shivering and ice cold. Someone brought Rescue Remedy and dropped a few drops under my tongue. A few hours later I was brought home and fell into my bed sleeping 30 hours in one go, trying to recover from what could only be described as a traumatic event for the body, the personality and my ego.

It took me months before I could start to make some initial sense (if that’s even possible) of what had happened to me. I wrote down the experience in order to ground it and help integrate. I did not speak to anyone about it; at the time I did not know who to turn to and somehow knew this was outside most people’s experience, even those on a spiritual path, at least those around me and that I would be quite alone in my exploration into what had happened to me. Eventually this pushed me into an extensive (slightly obsessive for some years, I can say now) study into the Esoteric Philosophies and Ageless Wisdom traditions of the world searching for a more grounded understanding into my nature in hope of some explanation to this lightning bolt. In the coming years the peak experiences continued although they were not as dramatic as the one I have described here, nevertheless I entered a period where my ego was scattered and all the conditioned ways in which I had identified with my personality were ripped apart, rendering a total redefining of my identity and my identification.

It has taken me many, many years (still work in progress) to integrate the shift and I’ve gone through stages of delusion and moments of inflated ego-aggrandizement to surrender to the Divine. I’ve learned that peak-experiences come and go and in-between we integrate and continue to “chop wood and carry water”. It is a continuing practice in surrender and humbleness in the face of the great mystery between the dance of the Divine Mother and the Divine Father.

A year after this event I withdrew for 2,5 years into seclusion to the Finnish country-side renting a cottage by the Baltic Sea with vast forests just behind the house. My nervous system was hyper and on high alert most of the time as I continued my study and meditation practice, which felt more like a process of downloading and remembering, I did hardly anything else, but I felt held, inspired and guided in my solitude. Thank God for the forest and its balancing quality on my energy field, it was so fiery and electric most of the time. Just outside my door there was a triangle of conifers, I used to sit under them, sometimes in the middle of the night, to help calm my energy body, they became important allies in my quest to connect and stay on Earth.

The cosmic bolt had ignited a partial kundalini awakening and since then I have been in a cosmic washing machine, its centrifugal spin, clearing and purifying my soul field. I understood fairly quickly that the kundalini awakening was partial because I was not fully incarnated in my physical body; the trunk to carry the electrical currents was not strong nor grounded enough. During these years of spiritual emergence I had a lot of pain in my body, my bones and my spine, sometimes it felt like my little house and I would go up in flames as even the house started sparkling with electrical currents.

To get myself fully into my body has been a process of putting the “genie back into the bottle” and for the body and the personality this has not always been easy, but finally after about 9 years since this burning ground was ignited by the lightning bolt I can say I have arrived home to the core of the Divine Mother and her nurturing primordial darkness without losing track of the light of the Divine Father. The pain is gone, the currents of my energies flow now more evenly above and below and my heart has expanded remarkably.

In the process I lost my outer financial security and my worldly belongings but gained my sanity, humanity and divinity. I am forever grateful.

“The shock throughout all realms is a Call for the realization of harmony, cooperation and of unity”.

"Beloved Cosmic Mother & Father, if I ever forget that I am your beloved, please find a way to remind me - thank you!"

Reflections - The Cross

THE CROSS

I arrived in my home country with the intention of a longer 2 months stay reconnecting with this land and taking stock of my life, reconnecting with the ancient orders of my ancestors. Walking along the shores of this city where I lived for so many years and having just walked past the local church with its huge metal cross overpowering the landscape I reflect on times gone by, my relationship and non-relationship with the religious church institution and the different dances I've danced with traditional religion, spirituality and esoteric philosophy most of my adult life.

I smile when I remember that I had my confirmation in this church 33 years ago, a private ordeal because my husband to be wanted a church wedding. I had left the church at the age of 18 at the first possible option of individual choice influenced by the atheist stance of my primary family. Although my mother had chosen to stay part of the church until her children could make their own choice. Usually kids go through confirmation classes at the age of 15. Also I had gone with my friends to the information session at the local parish for the upcoming classes, but after listening to the priest for 15 minutes, I stood up and declared “This is not for me” and walked out. At my later confirmation at age 27 the priest mistakenly called me by wrong first name throughout the ceremony. From some kind of misplaced courtesy I did not correct him, nor did my husband to be. 

This humored me at the time and I remember thinking “this is a joke and a bit of a fraud anyway” stepping into God’s house just because someone else wants me to. Later I received a long apologetic letter from the priest. He eventually had noticed his mistake and ensured me, that despite using the wrong name I had been accepted into God’s house.  But was it a kind of God’s house I wanted to be in; an authentic channel for spirit and the divine I was later in life to yearn and long for so intensely? Some years after this confirmation I left the church again as part of my divorce proceedings. It was a short marriage which produced a beautiful son and an equally short visit within the church institution to which I have never returned.  But God works in mysterious ways and the church does not have exclusive rights to the Holy Soul nor the Holy Spirit nor the mysteries of life. Maybe these early experiences were already foreboding the unconventional life that followed.

Now 33 years later having opened up to my own soul and divine essence I find myself ever so often bathing in pregnant darkness full of light and love, mind still, heart open, my chalice and aura a magnetic and radiant cosmic blessing. I say most of the time, because it is challenging to continuously stay in this heightened frequency and emanate a high vibration (really an electromagnetic voltage) all the time in this density of life on Earth. This is especially difficult for a person with a very acute high sense perception and sensitive energy field which taps into the endless suffering of this world. It has been important to learn protection techniques, hold boundaries, sometimes just withdraw staying in and with the pain, bringing conscious awareness, the light of my Soul & Spirit, into the mix and allowing the discomfort to be transmuted.  I AM a house of the Divine, just like you and you and you are, we all are - my relationship to the symbol of the cross has been radically transformed by my own spiritual inquiry.

We all carry this inner cross and therefore are part of the collective cross of humanity as a whole. The outer form hides the true temple or like Lao Tzu said “the tangible outer form has advantages, but it is the intangible that makes it useful” (relevant and potent). The inner state of being is always reflected in our outer visible life. The aim is to find the balance within our own inner cross, the hub and center of which is our heart center, the point of equilibrium and the bridge between our vertical axis and our horizontal axis within our energy field, between our humanity and our divinity, suspended as we all are between Heaven and Earth.

To understand this inner cross I have had to look deep within beyond the outer form (matter) into the many layers and bandwidths of frequencies related to my interpenetrating energy nature, into the immanent woven layers that constitute a human being, my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual selves, eventually connecting, inviting, invoking, entering and infusing my soul and merging into a more direct dialogue with the spiritual realms. The energy behind every form veils a divine idea, a truth or a divine concept. See beyond the surface and contact the divine idea which gave birth to the form, to me and to you, to all life and find your own inner temple, your own inner cross and divinity. It was not a coincidence we are told The Christ was crucifixes on the cross; a metaphor of the inner cross we all must travel and mount.

This inner cross and the field surrounding it, when purified, eventually reveals a radiant magnetic center; an expanded open and aching heart; shows us the unquestionable preciousness of each and every soul on this journey called life.

Many non-duality teachers emphasize that we are both the drop in the ocean and the ocean itself. The way to this realization goes via mounting our own cross, the drop drops into the ocean of One Humanity, into an embodied experience of the Unity of all Life.

Aligning and tuning into the vertical arm of the cross takes us both into the heights and the depths of spirit. Theosophist Helena Blavatsky’s famous axiom “Spirit is matter at its highest vibration and matter is spirit at its lowest” – reveals the Unity of all life-forms, all life is sacred. I often use the analogy of a time-glass or a torus when I try and describe my energy field, my main energy centers stacked in a rung in the middle of a toroidal field. Current new physics show us that all forms from atom to human, to planet, to solar system and galaxy are embedded in an inherent toroidal field of energy circulating from above to below and from below to above.

In expanded states we reach into the depths and shadows of our being resting in the embrace and the darkness of the Sacred Feminine her Holy Soul Sophia, touching and anchoring at the core of the Earth. Or we soar into our inner heights reaching our soul and spirit, consciousness expanding into Planetary-, Solar Systemic and the Galactic levels – our Divine Father, Holy Spirit and the Cosmic Christ. This height and depth collapsing in our heart, duality eventually resolved, all opposites and polarities dissolved resting in an all embracing Unity, transfigured the veil ripped apart.  The soul has incarnated and fused fully with the personality, the soul’s task is done; its field has been purified. The causal body, the house of the soul has dissolved; pure spirit has entered resulting in a radiant heart, a radiant aura and a life of service, of up-liftment and betterment for the good of the whole. This is the invitation, promise and purpose of our Inner Cross.

The horizontal arm of the cross represents our inner yin/yang, the dance and balance between our feminine and our masculine sides and the service we render to the world. When the pregnant darkness of the feminine merges with the light of the masculine and vice verse, inner Unity emerges holding both sides of our being in balance. Thus peace and harmony are restored in us and in the world. It is an inner and an outer marriage, a consummation where only Love and Service to Life prevails.

“The heart is a temple, but not an abode of idols. Thus we are not against the construction of a temple, but we object to fetishism and to bazaars. Likewise, when we speak of constructing a temple like a heart, we do not mean that it be of heart-shaped design, we speak of its inner significance. A temple cannot exist without realization of the infinite chain; so, too, the heart contacts all the sensations of the Cosmos. The heart’s anguish or joy inter-resounds with the far-off spheres. Why, then, is anguish sensed more often than joy? Of course, the constant cosmic perturbations agitate the heart that adheres to them. Therefore is the service of such a heart so great upon the scale of the world. Help the structure of the world.......Not without cause was the heart marked by the sign of the cross. Thus the sign of the cross eternally accompanied the temple of the heart.” Heart – Agni Yoga series (1932)

The Three Crosses...

The theme of all three Crosses is fusion and integration. The fusion of the personality into one functioning whole; the fusion of soul and personality consciously; the fusion of the threefold expression of divinity—Monad, ego and personality—so that there is an appearance of the blended energies. The keynote of their influences is the power to include and the full expression simultaneously, in time and space, of the vertical and the horizontal life.

Esoteric Astrology Alice A. Bailey.

Reflections - Trust the decent

“The full experience of a negative emotion is the funeral pyre of that emotion” – Stanislav Grof

I’ve experienced the truth of this powerful sentence many times, i.e. being with the healing power of deep diving into the unconscious, of sitting in the fire of some shadow hiding and suppressing a negative emotion and some old fear lurking deep within the many layers of my psyche. And if it’s there, it is also in the psychophysical body and the energetic reality of my being. We know that the unconscious governs to a large degree our lives, therefore getting to these layers is a prerequisite when seeking holistic wholeness and expansion of our consciousness. 

Here are a few examples from my own life.

In the mid 90-ties I did several Holotropic Breath Work sessions with a psychiatrist in Finland. They were all extraordinarily powerful and life-changing. In one of them I re-lived a near drowning experience I had had at the age of 4 which then led me in the same session to experience my own birth, getting in touch with the panic and pain of pushing through the birth channel, the all-encompassing experience of leaving the safety of the womb. During the session my body went into total contraction, excruciating pain, breathing became very shallow and it felt like I was breathing like a fish with gilds. Somewhere in the midst of the pain my consciousness, it’s witnessing awareness, was present with what I was doing, what I had consented to and the willingness to go on this inner journey into the depths of my psyche. I knew I was lying on a mattress, hearing powerful music, hyper-ventilating to help open the portals, which are like ventilation valves between the conscious, sub-conscious and un-conscious layers – I felt the safety of the hand of my partner in crime on my solar plexus and heard the voice of the psychiatrist guiding the process. Even though the pain was unbelievably strong a part of me just said “go with it, go deeper”.  As I had the courage to do so, my loving witnessing presence held me and my body started releasing enormous amounts of energy. That day I incarnated a bit more into my being, more energy of my greater self became available.

The “cloud nine”, the sense of release I drifted into after these sessions lasted for months and was beautiful, elevated and uplifting. Somewhat to my surprise worry had vanished – I mean vanished forever. That was the end of WORRY, its funeral pyre!

Another healing journey took me deeper. This came as part of a yearlong Cellular Energetic Healing training I did some years ago in Scotland. A training which teaches the Barbara Brennan concepts of defences mechanisms we all have. We develop these defences in our early childhood and take in, absorb traumas defending ourselves against whatever life throws at us before we can really have a conscious understanding about much anything. The first seven years of our lives we are like wet sponges, our senses absorbing everything directly into our psychophysical and energetic make-up.

As part of the training we had to do our own psycho-therapy and I had fortunately found a therapist/healer who worked also directly on the energetic level. In one session, in which I had started to talk about my mother, I got in touch with pain in my lower belly and lower back. My therapist invited me to go deeper into the pain and I plunged into a semi-altered state where I experienced myself as just an embryo in my mother’s tummy. There was so much fear in this state, my consciousness wanted to leave, i.e. disassociate and go numb, but the therapist kept repeating, her eyes locked on me: “stay with it Micaela, don’t leave your body”. For what seemed like a long time I sat there wiggling my legs to help stay with it and just experiencing the pain. The fear started releasing from my kidneys, lower back and legs. I went into a state of panic and close to passing out, but the therapist held her gaze and the safety of the space. Cold sweat was running all over the body as the fear let go. Afterwards I could hardly walk, I was so exhausted. The nervous system took days to re-calibrate itself to a new more expanded presence of my energy. Again, I had incarnated more, my tendency to go numb at any threat released and FEAR had at least a small funeral pyre. Not sure if it’s all gone.

When my mother was pregnant with me she had serious lower back problems and needed surgery just after I was born. She had been through a difficult time, a lot of emotional upheaval and distress, all of which the little embryo which was to become me absorbed already in the womb. Now-a-days we have thankfully a much greater understanding of how the pre-birth and early childhood environments affect us.

More recently another suppressed negative emotion knocked on the door of my conscious awareness. A deep grief I had tucked away 40 years ago made itself known and demanded attention. In my 20ties my primary family spiralled into years of crisis which dissolved and destroyed the family as a unit of safety and care. At the time I went into survival mode, caring for my then suicidal and depressed mother and my 9 years younger little sister. There was no opportunity, nor awareness by those around me at the time to help process the grief we all probably plunged into, thus the grief got relegated into my unconscious and my shadow and has lived a life of its own, to some extent directing life-events ever since. What you hide from yourself will eventually try and make itself known to you through other people or life-events; we repeat unresolved negative emotions and patterns in order to heal them by attracting similar experience over and over again. They come disguised through what we attract and or repulse in our lives.

When trauma occurs, something happens which we are unable to digest, the energy around this becomes frozen in space and time. In this sense every trauma has a cosmic address. But life moves on and the creativity of life within the pattern tries to the best of its ability to deal with whatever was going on. Yet part of the energy got frozen and now clearly, I got the opportunity 40 years later to unfreeze this part.

Here it was! A protected shield broke and a dam of tears burst open. This shield had protected my sacral center, solar plexus and heart centre all these years. I could no longer avoid or push it away. Instead I opened up to it, allowed it and grieved for months and months, to the extent that I had tears in my eyes upon waking up in the morning before a conscious thought could enter. At the time it felt like an endless river of tears, a quiet emptying of the accumulated grief but eventually I started feeling better and the heavy burden lifted.

At the time I needed a sick-note from a doctor in order to allow the process to unfold in its own timing. I was a bit nervous going to the National Health Service, thinking how do I explain to a young doctor that I am grieving something which happened 40 years ago? But I was lucky and met an understanding doctor, not until the third visit - this process did take time - did he offer to prescribe some anti-depressants, but I stayed resolute and said “no thank you, I’m just grieving, I’m not depressed; it will pass”. And it did, but not until I had emptied myself fully and seen the subtle workings this shadow of grief had caused in my life. Full awareness needed to come in together with reconciliation and forgiveness. In the end a beautiful process really, although painful at the beginning when I just needed to stay with it, feeling the feelings without trying to explain them too much.  

I had carried these frozen unresolved energies in my sacral centre, solar plexus, my heart, lymphatic system, shoulders and neck. During the process, in addition to welling tears, my lymph’s especially under my armpits released energy which came out as terrible rashes and my lungs and lymph’s produced so much mucus, so I was literally spitting out my grief. I had pain in my shoulders and my heart was aching. Yet, by the end of it I felt so much lighter, my whole rib-cage had expanded, my shoulders moved back a bit and my solar plexus felt softer. My posture had changed. The heart centre opened more, melted into a greater understanding and the throat centre was able to express more. The grieving process eventually took me to a place of greater TRUTH and AUTHENTICITY in myself. Again I had re-claimed a part of myself, a part that got lost many moons ago.

Prior to this grief process I had recognized an ancestral pattern which I could call the “absent father” and I had prayed with my soul to help me do my bit of releasing this pattern as I did not want it to pass on to my son. He grew up without his father, my father left our family, his father died when my father was only 2 and the men before that were mostly in the military; therefore likely not very present with their families either. So I knew I was dealing with a pattern that was unresolved in the family line and inherited in the epigenetic markers of our genes and healing it would bring ripple effects throughout the family, those who have been and those yet to come.

In hindsight all happened in “perfect timing”, pushed by the impending death of my father, my wish to clear the pattern and my son’s wish to create a family. A graceful reconciliation with my father unfolded, I finally had context, could understand his life more and the unknown ghost in the field lifted. My heart opened in compassion towards all involved. Since then my father has passed away and my son and his partner have welcomed their beautiful daughter into their lives. All is well!

From my 30 years of conscious inner spiritual work I know that my soul transmutes and purifies larger fields and that everything which shows up in my life is my own karmic appearances, soul-contracts, old habits of entangled ancestral fields of many lifetimes, therefore mine to deal with in this present time. Only that which is brought into awareness can be healed and as the esoteric philosophy postulates “all illness and disease (not at ease) is inhibition of soul life”. When the soul is able to fully incarnate into all corners of my Universe health, wholeness, balance, harmony and peace can arise. Who wouldn’t want this! Yet the journey there takes us through the shadow-land of ourselves, our ancestors and fields of energy our soul has gathered and chosen to work with.

We have to recognize the quantitative and the qualitative, the physical and the psychic and embrace both of these two sides of our reality simultaneously. Work with the inner and the outer, physics and psyche, matter and mind – all complementary aspects of the same reality.

My advice though is not to do this kind of work alone, unless you are hundred percent sure you can stay with your witnessing awareness and your soul. Most of us need a safe holding place to go to these layers of our being, be it a good therapist/healer or a safe group setting. It is good to have a respect and an honouring of the defences we keep as they were life-saving at the time we took them on and we will not let them go until there is actually a readiness to do so.